# @allie_ostrander on Instagram

- **Type:** Image
- **Original URL:** https://www.instagram.com/p/C6USoevPuMr
- **Gondola URL:** https://gondola.cc/posts/16923574-allie-ostrander-instagram
- **Thumbnail:** https://img.gondola.cc/tr:w-,h-,fo-auto/thumbnails/a25a928c57.jpg
- **Posted:** 2024-04-28T19:33:57.000+00:00
- **Account Owner:** Allie Ostrander (@allie_ostrander) — https://gondola.cc/allie_ostrander

## Caption

I keep crying after every race. Initially, I thought it was because I was happy with my performance, but I realize it’s much more than that. I’ve been happy with performances before, but it’s never felt like this. The moment I cross the finish line, I feel such shock and relief (to the point where I spontaneously burst into tears lol). 

The reason for this is that I struggle to believe in myself. I used to gain so much confidence from what I saw in the mirror—was I lean, were my legs small enough, were my abs visible enough, etc—but since going through ED recovery, I don’t know where to pull that confidence from. I look in the mirror, and I know that I’m not the smallest I’ve ever been. So no matter how my workouts have gone or where I think my fitness is, I have a hard time believing in myself. 

That’s why, when I cross the line, I cry. Because despite the doubt and the way my brain fought against me, I was able to perform. Because each time I overcome those doubts, I get one step closer to believing. Because, one race at a time, I prove to myself that my body wasn’t the reason for my success—it was always me. Just me. 

P.S. thanks to theathletespecial for asking me why I keep crying and prompting me to actually think about this

#bodyimage #mentalhealth #edrecovery #edawareness #voiceinsport

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## Tags

voiceinsport, mentalhealth, edawareness, bodyimage, edrecovery

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