# @adrimoench on Instagram

- **Type:** Video
- **Original URL:** https://www.instagram.com/p/C_vi02KvDMX
- **Gondola URL:** https://gondola.cc/posts/63487231-adrimoench-instagram
- **Thumbnail:** https://img.gondola.cc/tr:w-,h-,fo-auto/postThumbnails/d579eebd19.jpg
- **Posted:** 2024-09-10T16:12:19.000+00:00
- **Account Owner:** Trauma Informed Coach / Expanded States (@adrimoench) — https://gondola.cc/adrimoench

## Caption

9.10.2024 

With Su!c!de Awareness month upon us I just want to share that it’s been almost a year since I sat on these rocks, deconstructing su!c!de. It’s been a life time of living in some form of ideation. 

If there’s one thing working with plant med!c!n3 it has been the deep shadow work I’ve done around consent, constriction, understanding adaptive behaviors, and my survival need to escape the perceived hell I was living in day to day in my mind. 

I did not go down this path to eradicate SI, I went down it to understand it. Initially I thought I could overcome it, but the medicine has taught me to get very comfortable with it. 

As I sat on the banks of the creek, I entered a place of extreme nihilism where I could deconstruct and justify every reason why, the aftermath, the psychoanalysis of the trauma it would pass on. And I sat there for hours, writing and grounding, accepting all parts of who I was up until that point. Turning over every possible leaf both exploring what it would be like to not exist, and what it could be like to stay. I gave space to every wounded part of self that had brought me to my knees, grounding in the cold wet rain. Ink smeared on paper, I still didn’t know how to reach out of ask for help. But determined to examine every nuanced thought that came up. 

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this process is that to be in ideation, one has to acknowledge the suffering of what is going on in the mind and the body. It is like electricity coursing through my veins.

The conclusion of sitting up that canyon that I came to was that I was not living a life fully self expressed, which is why the need to escape it felt so powerful. 

If you are struggling with active ideation know that your perception of the alone you feel is valid. 

The question I’ve had to continue to ask myself is “Where am I not free?” 

That answer lies deeper emotional pain I am feeling that needs nurturing and addressing. While my experience is my own, I have never been more intimately acquainted than this past year with my “su!c!de” part. I also have never been more grateful for the role it played in freeing me. We all belong here. 

#suicideawarenessmonth

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- **Likes:** 68
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## Tags

suicideawarenessmonth

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