# @adrimoench on Instagram

- **Type:** Video
- **Original URL:** https://www.instagram.com/p/C8UjItEOWkn
- **Gondola URL:** https://gondola.cc/posts/63487333-adrimoench-instagram
- **Thumbnail:** https://img.gondola.cc/tr:w-,h-,fo-auto/postThumbnails/f9b56e4852.jpg
- **Posted:** 2024-06-17T15:00:00.000+00:00
- **Account Owner:** Trauma Informed Coach / Expanded States (@adrimoench) — https://gondola.cc/adrimoench

## Caption

For years I knew journaling would support me in recovery from DV, but I was paralyzed in fear whenever I would start to journal. 

Ten years of a hybrid of CBT, DBT, EMDR, IFS, Betrayal Trauma work, Attachment Theory work, group work, Inner Child work but I could never maintain a consistent journaling practice in the throes of abuse or early recovery. 

Deconstructing the threat of journaling revealed:

1) Without my consent, others went through my journals and then would challenge my perception of what I was writing. I realized my journals were not safe to document how I perceived my own life - the people around me were not safe to journal around. My thoughts were not safe in journals where other unhealthy individuals had access to them. 

2) Patriarchy and internalized misogyny created a perception of shame that led me to feel unworthy of expressing myself through journaling. I had no ego and very little self esteem as a Mormon woman. I internalized the idea that writing about myself signaled I was self-absorbed. Feelings of unworthiness led to a resistance to journaling because I was taught as a woman that to center on myself was the ultimate badge of selfish pride. 

3) When I was in crisis in the throes of divorce, the journals I started during that time were subpoenaed in discovery with my therapeutic chart notes and leveraged & weaponized against me as a way to discredit me. Vulnerability and self expression was not safe in family court.

4) While I no longer tried to journal by my second marriage -  my ex would gaslight me and go through my phone reading conversations I was having with my psychologist. He would attempt to isolate me from being in therapy and try to manipulate those close to me based off my private conversations in an attempt to threaten the one safe therapeutic relationship I had access to locally. 

There was nowhere safe to process my thoughts  as a way of understanding what was happening to me at the time. Especially not through journaling. 

Wave 👋 in the comments if you’ve ever struggled with feeling safe while journaling - I see you, you are not alone.

#dharma #traumarecovery #trauma #dv #coercivecontrol #cptsd #journaling

## Stats

- **Views:** 388
- **Likes:** 16
- **Shares:** 0
- **Comments:** 1

## Tags

trauma, dv, traumarecovery, dharma, journaling, cptsd, coercivecontrol

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