# @adrimoench on Instagram

- **Type:** Image
- **Original URL:** https://www.instagram.com/p/C4NKLJIOcR9
- **Gondola URL:** https://gondola.cc/posts/63487417-adrimoench-instagram
- **Thumbnail:** https://img.gondola.cc/tr:w-,h-,fo-auto/postThumbnails/ef78a85577.jpg
- **Posted:** 2024-03-07T08:02:34.000+00:00
- **Account Owner:** Trauma Informed Coach / Expanded States (@adrimoench) — https://gondola.cc/adrimoench

## Caption

When I started to deconstruct patriarchy there was ample shame I took on not realizing it came from internalized misogyny. 

My process didn’t start with anger but instead with shame. I berated myself for not being smarter, for not knowing better. Instead of looking at how the system had taught me as a woman to endlessly submit myself to dominance - instead of being angry at what I wasn’t taught by those responsible for teaching me as a child - I was angry at myself, and felt so much shame at how I perceived myself to be a complete idiot. Like I should have known better as a child.

As women, especially in my case, I was often told I was “too much” - yet the more I learn about the systems in place that I constricted myself in invisibility, not knowing any better, so as to hide more heightened emotions. 

The more self shame and judgement I put on myself, the more I felt the emotions I felt. It was amplified, and electrifying sometimes to just feel. 

As I dove into therapy I tried to address my depression. The root meaning of depression literally means “to press down” - it took me years to realize that the depression I felt was because I was pressing down, and suppressing parts of who I was. The more I pressed them down, the more electrifying my feelings became. 

Whatever I didn’t give voice to, constricting out of survival - eventually started to scream in protest - a silent inner dialogue. The silent protests manifested in sickness and cancer in my body.

The more we numb and push down what we DO feel, the less we know HOW to feel. 

The more we try to control HOW we feel, the more we suppress the feelings we already feel and deny them to those around us. 

The less we become what is authentic to our being, the more we self betray to become palatable to those around us. 

As this shift happens we start to lose the ability to KNOW who we are, and we start to question “WHY am I here”.

Suffering from a lifetime of su*c*de ideation / SI the bigger question became “What was I made for?”

In that suffering, my journey to becoming began. I had to express wanting to die, in order to discover what I was made for. 

#suicideawareness #abusesurvivor #cptsd #dv

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## Tags

dv, abusesurvivor, suicideawareness, cptsd

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