TW: death “The thing is, I’m a coxswain. I’m supposed to be the leader in the boat–the person who holds everything together. My role was to be the heartbeat, the rhythm that flows between rowers and gives meaning to each stroke. However, how was I supposed to keep eight girls together for an entire practice when it felt like I could barely keep my own heart beating? I had just lost one of my favorite people in the entire world and I couldn’t grasp how anything else was supposed to matter anymore. Soon winter came around and although I had a whole team of coaches and friends who reached out to me, I had never felt so alone. I was so afraid of failure in my sport that I failed to even make an effort in taking care of myself. I remember one time during an indoor training session, I was running when all of a sudden I couldn’t hold back tears and collapsed into my friend’s arms. I hadn’t gotten more than four hours of sleep a night for over a month and I was exhausted. The grief I so de...