“Hello. My name is Inigo Monturkey. You defrosted my father. Prepare to dine.” One of our most iconic birds is hard to miss, unless it’s coming in hot at 50 mph (yes, they can fly for short distances) or sprinting 18 mph straight at your kneecaps. Inconceivable? Exactly. Lost track of one? Don’t worry, they leave receipts. Male droppings are j-shaped; female droppings are spiral-shaped. The larger the diameter, the older the bird. Congrats, you’re now the weird relative who measures turkey poop at Thanksgiving. The kids’ table is calling. Pro tip: Shiny objects, windows, and bald heads have been known to trigger vengeance mode. Be safe out there. In conclusion, Happy Thanksgiving from all of us at the National Park Service. 🦃 Image: A very serious turkey staring outside doors at Jewel Cave National Monument visitor center, because apparently closing time is personal.