I awoke one morning to a quill in my hands that folded over my body the way a Victorian child would lie — with sickness and boredom but also a roguish Ozempic look. “Why am I so bony?” I asked myself. This was my first genuine thought, in part because I couldn’t shake the freshman 15 but also because I looked like Tim Burton’s wet dream. Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semifictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. Read the full satire column at the link in our bio. Written by Emma Souza Graphic by Kaylee Madson #collegianopinion #collegianseriously #satire #rockymountaincollegian #rmsmc