Who’s excited for Eurovision tonight? Me either! (absolute lie btw, I’ll obviously be watching every second of this car crash) The UK’s entry this year is Look Mum No Computer and their song is literally called “Eins, Zwei, Drei” which, for any non-linguists reading this, is Germany’s groundbreaking contribution to counting. Sam Battle turned up on the turquoise carpet looking genuinely delighted to be representing Britain in what’s somehow become the least politically chaotic Eurovision in years. Which is a bit like being the calmest person in a Wetherspoons at 1am. He described Eurovision as “bonkers,” which feels accurate considering Europe is currently arguing non-stop online, broadcasters are threatening to pull coverage, Slovenia’s apparently airing Palestine documentaries instead, and the UK has responded to all this tension by sending a bloke with homemade synthesizers shouting German numbers. Honestly, if the UK finishes above 23rd this should qualify for a national holida...