In an expression of outrage at the vice president for his perceived ineptitude and lack of principles, JD Vance was reportedly booed Monday by his own reflection in the mirror. “You suck, you morally bankrupt prick! Go fuck yourself!” said Vance’s mirror image, flipping off the vice president and claiming that he was a traitor to his values who should be ashamed of his descent into complete sycophancy. “You don’t represent me! You’re a sniveling little liar and pathetic disgrace—not only to your family and your community, but to the nation and the entire world. You have no redeeming qualities, you’re devoid of integrity, and you deserve to suffer for what you’re doing to this country. You’ll always be the freak virgin everyone hated in high school. Eat shit and die!” At press time, reports confirmed Vance had refused to respond to the criticisms, having instead shattered the mirror. Become a member. Get the paper at link in bio or membership.theonion.com.